Life Lesson

Hi people, today has been a very interesting day to me. 

And I wanted to share it with you guys. 

Today I have realize something more in myself. 

The one thing that I thought I had thrown away. But actually it still there. 

What is that? It's my Ego.

I've learned few month back from Avatar to remove my Ego. 

And I being a very good student, gladly follow it.

So, I did the removing Ego ritual or I shall say exercise. 

After that I feel good and proud of myself because I have removed my Ego.

But then, I don't realize that my worries is actually an Ego.

It sounds a bit off right from what Society teach us. 

But that's a truth, worries is an Ego.

How so? 

Well, in my case, I worries a lot about what people thinks/opinion on what I do.

And my good friend, always remind me not to over think about things that didn't concern me.

Then, I took the advice and always tell to myself (whenever my mind wanders to create some thoughts about other people) "Ash, did it concern you? I did not right? So, drop it" 

That's my mantra, to not be affected by people's thought or affecting people with my thought.

I always think that I'm good already. I'm good enough to play in the society world. 

And I think that I have no more Ego and I also think that I'm not affected by people's opinion or I didn't concern anymore about what people think.

Until today, when something's happen that make me finally open my eyes and realize that I still have it in the back of my mind. All this while I just hide it and suppress it in. So that nobody saw.

Today, I've learned my lesson on how my worries take its toll on me.

And I learned the lesson in the hard and costly way.

What happen today is I forgot about my responsibility due to my brain is scattered all over places this past few days. 

And my forgetfulness cost my company some problems. 

Having said that I'm the one who is responsible to the problem, I started to worry

What will my colleague and my boss think of me? Such a simple responsibility but yet I cannot handle it.

What will my partner think? That this Malay girl always create problem and cannot handle her own responsibility. 

My! I got a lot of what will people think over me? In my head.

Instead of focusing at the moment to settle it, I focus more on how will other think of the situation that happens? 

And it dampened me, I feel like giving up. 

Because I've let everybody down and cause them problems.

And I think that I'm useless. 

Until, my good friend (I shall address him as Mr.S) appears in the time I needed somebody the most to pull me out of the box that've prepared for myself.

He makes me realize that I'm actually still holding on to my past and my Ego.

How so? 

I'm holding to my past by thinking that "Here we go Ash, you did it again! And why are you so stupid to forgot your own responsibility? Is it not enough what have you done before?" 

And all other sort of self blaming that I can think off to blame myself. 

I go too hard on myself because I've put a very high expectation on myself, that I should not do this or that because all the mistake is made by normal human, while I'm not. 

Because I've learned so much that I should not make anymore of the so-called stupid mistake.

And, I'm holding on to my Ego. 

The Ego that "What will A will think about me, always make mistake and never want to learn the lesson behind it." 

Or "You're screwed Ash, Boss will yelled the hell out of you! You've done a very big mistake!." 

The Ego that will knocking me so that I will go hard on myself and become depressed. 

At the moment when the thing happen, I just feel like running away and hid myself.

I've done so wrong to my company, bosses, partners and colleagues. 

And I have cost them trouble. (At least that's what my brain want me to believe)

And Mr.S being so patience with me, telling me that all I cannot give up yet. 

Because I'm still learning and the experience that I go through only make me to be strong.

He asked me to removes my worries and stop being to harsh on myself. 

I'm learning as I'm going along with the experienced and I'm not supposed to be stress over it. 

After all, I'm a Human. 

We make mistakes, and we learned our lesson by doing the mistake.

Experience teaches us better lesson, and give us a better understanding about what we have learned.

And yet it's really true, I'm learning from a great Teacher, but I did not experienced it yet.

So, my understanding always only on the surface.

Today only I learned the lesson with a better understanding.

Today I'm able to remove part of the Ego that I still holding on.

And today also I'm able to remove my worries.

After I done that, I feel more relax. Lesser burden on my shoulder now. 

And I got a better understanding on the lesson that I've learned before.

And after all, I realize that all my worries and Ego does not bring me to anywhere. 

It's just will make me become Depressed only and it also cannot bring me up in my life.

And, by worrying and having ego means that I'm collecting more rubbish in my Luggage of Life and thus make my life heavier to move forward.

Today I'm able to remove some of the rubbish, and I will continue in removing more of the rubbish as I go along..

My gratitude to Avatar who always never tired teaching me, even though I'm too tired to learn.

And my endless gratitude to Avatar to always be there for me, not only be there, but also looking over me, and nurturing me to be me, Ash. And not to lost in the jungle of society.

And, my gratitude goes to those who always there in my life (you know who are you-no need for me to

acknowledge it here) to support me and to guide me and to teach me and to wake me up from the dream. Life is bigger and happier with you guys in it.

Thanks for being the mother when I no longer have one to feed me and care about me, as my sister when I need the support ,my brother when I need the laughter and my father when I need guide and confidence.

I am BLESSED to have you in my life...